Dreams are made of these

I had a dream last night. It was him..my first love. It seems that everytime I'm feeling down and low and dissappointed with my love life..he'll be there in my dream. In these dreams he usually doesn't say anything. He'll just look at me with an expression of saying 'Don't worry, dear..everything will be alright. You'll find someone'. Even though I'm not with him anymore and he's getting married..I just don't know why he'll be in my dreams. Maybe its just my feelings or subconciousness. But believe me, I wasn't thinking about him at all before I went to sleep. I was too damn tired to even think.

I know it wasn't meant to be between the two of us but I always think he'll be the very best friend I've ever had. He knows me well. Maybe that's what I call love. But I know, something good will come...someone better will come. I may be bitter yesterday but I'm feeling better now.

However strong I am, I'm falling for someone. I like him a lot..I do. But let it just be me knowing it. It's hard when you like someone and he doesn't know it but it's for the best and I believe that. I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings just to make myself happy. I've been there and I know how much it hurts. Wish life could be more simpler..but it's not.

2DSD

ku menatap langityang tenang

dan tak 'kan menangisi malam

ku tetap berdiriku melawan hariku

akan berartiku tak 'kan mati

mungkin masa ku telah berlalu

mungkin hatiku tak berbentuk lagi

rasa ini tak kan terobati

tetapi mati takkan mengobati

kumenatap langit yang tenang

dan tak 'kan menangisi malam

tuk tetap berdiriku

melawan hariku akan berartiku tak 'kan mati

That's what I need...look up at the beautiful sky and see the miracle of life God has given me. Thankful for what I have now as the 'Best has yet to come'...

Life...

I have been pondering on my life lately. It's always the same old story...my love life. I have been wondering when can I finally find the love of my life.. who would love me as who I am, who will accept me and really love not to just be a lover. I missed the times when I can just pick up the phone and call that person and just talk. Not having to think, should I call? Maybe I'm interupting him or even worst playing the waiting game..waiting for him to call me. I miss the understanding of meeting the person you love just to go out and do nothing..just wanting to be with each other..

Currently the guys I'm dating would only call me when they are lonely. When they don't have any activities around them.. They want me just to be a lover rather than a companion. Last week, he called me up. Suddenly, he just said 'I've told you, we're only friends'...after the time spent together..he could just say we are friends??? What's that? It's been a year the 2 of us been going out..that's what I am to him...a friend. I was just shocked..maybe I've been expecting it..but I thought..yes I just thought it was smooth sailing. I'm more than sad now..I'm just pissed off. He just wants me to cure his loneliness..he calls me up not because he misses me..just wanting someone to be with him. Come to think of it, he still have his ex pictures..for what? Yeah stupid me to believe that..

And to top it all, stupid of me again to be fooled the second time with another guy. He's got a girlfriend but having problems. He likes me a lot..or so he said..but at the same time saying the words 'love' and 'missing you' to another girl. It seems that those words are so cheap to him. He can just say it to any girl he likes. A friend of mine asked 'if he does really like you, and he's having problems with his girl, why doesn't he just leave the girlfriend?'. And yes I wonder the same. I thought I could like him..but since the words 'love' is just so easy for him to say it to anyone else..means he didn't really mean it when he said it to me. His words are so cheap. And how good a liar is he? I can't take it anymore. Then when the time comes, suddenly they would just called me up and say 'sorry..I'm getting married and you're not the girl'. What the hell?? Don't they know that it hurts even there's no deep feelings involved? These guys just want me when they are lonely. Initially I go out with them with the same intention but after a while I start do develop feelings..lucky it was not that deep. But I'm just tired of being fooled again and again. Being given false hope.

Wish life could be that easy. Wish I could just make them feel how I feel. I don't want to get hurt again..as Rob Thomas sang "I don't want another lover at my door, Is just another heartache on my list". Currently, I've been playing a particular Indonesian song that actually really said what I really feels towards this part of my life. I only can pray to God to stop all the hurt. My friend told me, in 1 out of 10 guys I meet, 1 would be 'the one'..the question is...do I have to get hurt 10 times to get that happiness? hehe..only God knows

- Cinta -
Menatap jalan yang menjauh
Tentukan arah yg ku mau
Tempatkan aku pada satu
Peristiwa yang membuat hati lara

Di dekat engkau aku tenang
Sendu matamu penuh tanya
Misteri hidup akankah menghilang
Dan bahagia di akhir cerita

Cinta tegarkan hatiku
Tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata
Tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta hati
Bagai raga tak bernyawa

Aku junjung petuamu
Cintai dia yang mencintaiku
Hati yang dulu belayar
Kini telah menepi
Bukankah hidup kita
Akhirnya harus bahagia

Cinta
Biar saja ada
Yang terjadi biar saja terjadi
Bagai manapun hidup
Memang hanya cerita
Cerita tentang meninggalkan dengan ditinggalkan
Cinta.....

This is the song that says it all. 'Love someone who loves you' that is the best quote that I'm holding on to...till then...I have to wait and see...

I got a shocking news today...the person I was with before is getting married. I was numb, shocked and partly sad. Thought I have forgotten him, always wondered is he married yet, is he happy or miserable. Sometimes I wish he is misreable. Worst of all he's getting married to the very person who was the caused of our separation.

Guess it was not meant to be but me being human I can't help it to think why...

Now my life is not as easy as I thought it will be. My career is ok..no problem so far. But my love life sucks. I'm getting tired with all the games guys play. Currently, the person that I am so closed with just kept quite. No news..nothing as if I'm invisible. Like nothing had happen between the two of us before. I'm dumbstruck. The next guy came..nice and the connection is there but he's got a girl. Said that he's having trouble but can I believe that? I don't think so.

I pray everyday for God to give me strength to face all of this. I can say " I will survive" but
can I really? The question left unanswered...