Mungkin Nanti

I was listening to this song and I remembered that long ago I had a friend who loves this song so much. I shared it with him then we had a fight..I'm sad that it happenned but I guess it just had to happen..the fight. He has his own ego and so am I. I know I was not at fault..it was his. He had to apologize cos he embarassed me and had tarnished dignity.

Now at the office, I'm not the same person as I was before. I'm not as happy go lucky..no more exchanging hellos with anyone..and I became a very angry person. I'm a bit mellow now after a few exchange of words between my colleagues..I had to become cool. I cannot loose my temper at all..but it's difficult. Because of that so called friend..I had to restraint myself. I was not able to let go of the anger that I've kept for few months now..and I'm losing it..really bad.

Since that incident in October, I've been asking myself..how could a person I really thought as friend could betray me so much just to save himself. How could he?? and why?? He had a fight with his wife but why was I involved for no appearent reason. And then the wife came to my office for what purpose? To put me down, to embarrased me.? To add to that, she could even say bad things about me...so I'm still wondering what he had said to his fe...did he told her that I really had a thing for him? Come on...he is just a friend..normal friend...sometimes I feel like going up to him and ask why in the world you would want to do that to your own friend?? Why?? What baffled me most is the he's a guy?? For all I know, a man never do that to his friends..so there goes..another friend down the drain.

The anger, however, does not stop there. I was abandoned as well by another good friend. He left without a word, without explanations, without even saying goodbye. It hurts so bad..real bad. How could someone be such a coward? I thought he was different, guess I thought wrong. I know it would end...but I just need an explanation. Is it that hard to explain to me? That's all I asked for..nothing much..but I guess I won't get that answer..even if I leave this place. Maybe that's why people say 'somethings are better left unsaid'..guess the phrase were invented to console that person eh..

I've lost a lot of things this year..friends..money..happiness and cheerfulness..and gained a heart that's full of anger and sadness. But at least I know I have a true friends who are there when I'm down..who are there when the time is rough...even if I let out my anger to them. Right now, I'm just trying to find myself again..be that person who I was before..

counting the days

Time seems to fly fast when you don't want someone to leave. I'm counting the days till someone whose close to my heart is leaving. It sounds like a dream everytime I think of it, sometimes I wish that I would wake up from that dream. I had to pinch myself to make myself realise its a reality after all. And it makes me wonder why is it that we have to go through all the breakups, the seperations in life...if only I have the answer.

The worst is the memories. If only is a bitter memories, I can accept it well but all was good..good memories and sweet too. Never been treated so nice by someone and suddenly it's just being snatched away...how cruel is that.

I'm gonna miss the stealing look, the chats, the morning breakfast and the lunches..I miss how he can make me smile even at the worst day of my days, how he could just make me laugh everytime I'm down..buying me ice creams whenever my temper rises..hmmm...wake up dear..wake up..it's time to smell the coffee and reality that everything is temporary..

What's worse...the thought of not seeing each other anymore, the thought of not listening to his voice, the thought of not receiving messages from him and the thought that he even won't remember me at all or would our path will cross each other again for there are no reason for him to remember me at all. By the time he's gone maybe I will come to accept it and that I would accept in life there would always be seperations and break ups as I have accepted long ago that relationships never last long...

I will miss you dear as my friend and companion..as I count the days till you walk out of the door on your final day...

Its coming to an end

It should’ve never started, it should’ve been stopped from the beginning but who are we to stop what is written from up above. I thought it was harmless fun, a harmless flirt. I never thought that it would go this far. The care that you showed me just fills the loneliness in my heart.

I never meant to intrude in your perfect bliss life, never meant to turn you into someone you’re not and never meant to start it all. Maybe it was a test from God for the both of us, resisting temptation that comes along. Why do we choose the road that we choose? Why do we make harsh judgment or shall I say a stupid one? Were we following our heart or were we following our lust?

The choice that I made, I know it’s selfish. I wanted happiness…. no…I longed for it. I longed for someone to give me the care and love that you have showed me..if only if only it can be forever. Why then when there’s happiness, sadness will start to show up? Why is it ripped away when you started to get a grip of it? Now I felt as if that blissfulness just slipped through my fingers like a sand hit by the ocean.

Maybe someday I will forget this event that happened in my life. Someday it will start to fade away and someday it will only be another memory, another chapter in my life. As you say goodbye to me, I will cherish the moments that we had. I will cry in my heart but I know, God have a reason for you leaving. God wants to protect you from me; God wants to protect the happiness that you have. Time to time I have reminded myself that it will soon end. However, in the state of denial, I wished quietly that it would last longer. Again, God has its own plan and the time has come for it to end.

The strong appearance that I portray lays one fragile heart that has been protected not to cry again. The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose. That fragrance will always linger in my mind and my soul. To that my dear, I thank you for all the laughter, the smile and the care you have given me. Until someone else comes along, I’ll have to look for the hero that lies in me…

The most difficult thing is knowing there may never be another one like you. Trying to accept that I'll miss you more that I care to admit. I'm missing you, dear but maybe soon, i won't care at all and maybe soon, the pain will go away..

Unbelievable

Life are so unpredictable. One moment we feel like nothing can go wrong..suddenly it just changed. My last blog wrote that I kinda have a boyfriend or someone special. But suddenly, he came out and say another thing. I just don't understand this. Why can't I get a decent guy that would actually stick to what he says. I'm tired..really tired. One day he said that I should be with him, the next day..he's not sure? Not sure??? Maybe I'm supposed to say that cos that's how I felt. I wasn't really sure what I had put myself into. Gosh!! Can someone just stop playing with their words??? I think I've become numbed to being broken hearted. Been through it so much that I don't feel anything anymore..and I can actually predict it will happen again with anyone or any guy. I miss the simple life...

Two days ago, I went to watch Peter Pan concert. There's this one song that I particularly like and this song could actually make me cry. And that's what happenned. Yesterday, out of no where, while listening to this song, I cried and cried like nobody's business. I think I've kept too much inside me that it's eating me up. I can't bear another heartbreak..I can't bear another drop of tears..I hate to be fragile..I hate to be so untrusting towards someone..and most of all I hate to be suspicious of people. It's easy for some people to say, forget about it...move on..there are other guys out there. Stop trying to get him..stop trying to figure him out...but what if, just what if that particular person that we pushed aside is actually the right person for us to be with. Yes, we can let Allah decide but then again without working hard, can we actually achieve it??

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Sometimes, I miss being a kid...where all the problems that we could think of is studies and who's our friends is...

I pray that I will be given strength to face yet another year of loneliness...