Reflection of Life

Mungkin Nanti

2006-12-13T12:00:00.000+08:00

I was listening to this song and I remembered that long ago I had a friend who loves this song so much. I shared it with him then we had a fight..I'm sad that it happenned but I guess it just had to happen..the fight. He has his own ego and so am I. I know I was not at fault..it was his. He had to apologize cos he embarassed me and had tarnished dignity.

Now at the office, I'm not the same person as I was before. I'm not as happy go lucky..no more exchanging hellos with anyone..and I became a very angry person. I'm a bit mellow now after a few exchange of words between my colleagues..I had to become cool. I cannot loose my temper at all..but it's difficult. Because of that so called friend..I had to restraint myself. I was not able to let go of the anger that I've kept for few months now..and I'm losing it..really bad.

Since that incident in October, I've been asking myself..how could a person I really thought as friend could betray me so much just to save himself. How could he?? and why?? He had a fight with his wife but why was I involved for no appearent reason. And then the wife came to my office for what purpose? To put me down, to embarrased me.? To add to that, she could even say bad things about me...so I'm still wondering what he had said to his fe...did he told her that I really had a thing for him? Come on...he is just a friend..normal friend...sometimes I feel like going up to him and ask why in the world you would want to do that to your own friend?? Why?? What baffled me most is the he's a guy?? For all I know, a man never do that to his friends..so there goes..another friend down the drain.

The anger, however, does not stop there. I was abandoned as well by another good friend. He left without a word, without explanations, without even saying goodbye. It hurts so bad..real bad. How could someone be such a coward? I thought he was different, guess I thought wrong. I know it would end...but I just need an explanation. Is it that hard to explain to me? That's all I asked for..nothing much..but I guess I won't get that answer..even if I leave this place. Maybe that's why people say 'somethings are better left unsaid'..guess the phrase were invented to console that person eh..

I've lost a lot of things this year..friends..money..happiness and cheerfulness..and gained a heart that's full of anger and sadness. But at least I know I have a true friends who are there when I'm down..who are there when the time is rough...even if I let out my anger to them. Right now, I'm just trying to find myself again..be that person who I was before..

counting the days

2006-07-17T08:07:00.000+08:00

Time seems to fly fast when you don't want someone to leave. I'm counting the days till someone whose close to my heart is leaving. It sounds like a dream everytime I think of it, sometimes I wish that I would wake up from that dream. I had to pinch myself to make myself realise its a reality after all. And it makes me wonder why is it that we have to go through all the breakups, the seperations in life...if only I have the answer.

The worst is the memories. If only is a bitter memories, I can accept it well but all was good..good memories and sweet too. Never been treated so nice by someone and suddenly it's just being snatched away...how cruel is that.

I'm gonna miss the stealing look, the chats, the morning breakfast and the lunches..I miss how he can make me smile even at the worst day of my days, how he could just make me laugh everytime I'm down..buying me ice creams whenever my temper rises..hmmm...wake up dear..wake up..it's time to smell the coffee and reality that everything is temporary..

What's worse...the thought of not seeing each other anymore, the thought of not listening to his voice, the thought of not receiving messages from him and the thought that he even won't remember me at all or would our path will cross each other again for there are no reason for him to remember me at all. By the time he's gone maybe I will come to accept it and that I would accept in life there would always be seperations and break ups as I have accepted long ago that relationships never last long...

I will miss you dear as my friend and companion..as I count the days till you walk out of the door on your final day...

Its coming to an end

2006-07-13T07:50:00.000+08:00

It should’ve never started, it should’ve been stopped from the beginning but who are we to stop what is written from up above. I thought it was harmless fun, a harmless flirt. I never thought that it would go this far. The care that you showed me just fills the loneliness in my heart.

I never meant to intrude in your perfect bliss life, never meant to turn you into someone you’re not and never meant to start it all. Maybe it was a test from God for the both of us, resisting temptation that comes along. Why do we choose the road that we choose? Why do we make harsh judgment or shall I say a stupid one? Were we following our heart or were we following our lust?

The choice that I made, I know it’s selfish. I wanted happiness…. no…I longed for it. I longed for someone to give me the care and love that you have showed me..if only if only it can be forever. Why then when there’s happiness, sadness will start to show up? Why is it ripped away when you started to get a grip of it? Now I felt as if that blissfulness just slipped through my fingers like a sand hit by the ocean.

Maybe someday I will forget this event that happened in my life. Someday it will start to fade away and someday it will only be another memory, another chapter in my life. As you say goodbye to me, I will cherish the moments that we had. I will cry in my heart but I know, God have a reason for you leaving. God wants to protect you from me; God wants to protect the happiness that you have. Time to time I have reminded myself that it will soon end. However, in the state of denial, I wished quietly that it would last longer. Again, God has its own plan and the time has come for it to end.

The strong appearance that I portray lays one fragile heart that has been protected not to cry again. The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose. That fragrance will always linger in my mind and my soul. To that my dear, I thank you for all the laughter, the smile and the care you have given me. Until someone else comes along, I’ll have to look for the hero that lies in me…

The most difficult thing is knowing there may never be another one like you. Trying to accept that I'll miss you more that I care to admit. I'm missing you, dear but maybe soon, i won't care at all and maybe soon, the pain will go away..

Unbelievable

2006-01-03T17:11:00.000+08:00

Life are so unpredictable. One moment we feel like nothing can go wrong..suddenly it just changed. My last blog wrote that I kinda have a boyfriend or someone special. But suddenly, he came out and say another thing. I just don't understand this. Why can't I get a decent guy that would actually stick to what he says. I'm tired..really tired. One day he said that I should be with him, the next day..he's not sure? Not sure??? Maybe I'm supposed to say that cos that's how I felt. I wasn't really sure what I had put myself into. Gosh!! Can someone just stop playing with their words??? I think I've become numbed to being broken hearted. Been through it so much that I don't feel anything anymore..and I can actually predict it will happen again with anyone or any guy. I miss the simple life...

Two days ago, I went to watch Peter Pan concert. There's this one song that I particularly like and this song could actually make me cry. And that's what happenned. Yesterday, out of no where, while listening to this song, I cried and cried like nobody's business. I think I've kept too much inside me that it's eating me up. I can't bear another heartbreak..I can't bear another drop of tears..I hate to be fragile..I hate to be so untrusting towards someone..and most of all I hate to be suspicious of people. It's easy for some people to say, forget about it...move on..there are other guys out there. Stop trying to get him..stop trying to figure him out...but what if, just what if that particular person that we pushed aside is actually the right person for us to be with. Yes, we can let Allah decide but then again without working hard, can we actually achieve it??

Semua tentang kita

Waktu terasa semakin berlalu

Tinggalkan cerita tentang kita

Akan tiada lagi kini tawamu

Tuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati

Teringat di saat kita tertawa bersama

Ceritakan semua tentang kita

Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia

Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala

Ada cerita cerita tentang masa yang indah

Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa

Sometimes, I miss being a kid...where all the problems that we could think of is studies and who's our friends is...

I pray that I will be given strength to face yet another year of loneliness...

Lonely No More

2005-12-27T20:24:00.000+08:00

It's weird when in one split second, your life just changed. I just experienced that last Monday. It was just weird...he came just to see me as friends. And then suddenly he just said, I like you and I know you like me too why don't we just hook up? Fast huh..yup that fast. I can't even think..I'm shocked and still thought it was just a joke.

But it seems he's been keeping up to what he said. He messaged me everyday asking me how I am and all those things. Its funny as it's been a while since I have someone to call and check up on me everyday. I do like it but yet at the same time feel chocked. Weird huh??

Another funny thing, the guy that only calls me when I'm needed, suddenly been calling almost everyweek. Hahah..now he knows how it feels...geess...funny very funny..

I know I'm not lonely anymore..someone do care about me..and do accept me for who I am. I can only pray that it will last..

Incomplete

2005-12-16T08:59:00.000+08:00

Incomplete..that's how I feel right now. I've seen my friends crossing the bridge from bachelorhood to marriage life. I envy them yet happy for them. I want to be in that place but I know deep down inside I am still afraid...afraid to go through that journey. I've seen and experienced too much that it has actually scarred me deep inside. I never realised this..I think the problem for me to even find a guy is because I'm too afraid. No one could understand how I feel. It seems like I'm too confused to choose 'the one' in my life but the problem actually lies within myself. That I admit. My mum's getting worried. I've tried to tell but I'm not good with words. Everytime a guy comes into my life, it went well. Somehow as things progress, I'll have my doubts..I start to pull back. Maybe just maybe I'm too afraid to get hurt...yup that could be true...

Hmmm..aside from that. I had a great weekend of relaxing last weekend after 2 weeks of rushing here and there. I went back to my hometown and just didn't do anything at all but sleep. But me being me, I felt bored when I'm not in a rush. It's just in me..I have to do something to occupy myself. If not I'll start to think too much and we know, when we think too much, it's really really bad. Yikes!! Need to do something about that...and the worse part, I actually like coming to work. How pathetic is that??? Gees...get me out of here...

Do something that makes me happy...guess currently if that will make me happy..I will!! I'm so pathetic...

2005-11-22T12:50:00.000+08:00

Dreams are made of these

I had a dream last night. It was him..my first love. It seems that everytime I'm feeling down and low and dissappointed with my love life..he'll be there in my dream. In these dreams he usually doesn't say anything. He'll just look at me with an expression of saying 'Don't worry, dear..everything will be alright. You'll find someone'. Even though I'm not with him anymore and he's getting married..I just don't know why he'll be in my dreams. Maybe its just my feelings or subconciousness. But believe me, I wasn't thinking about him at all before I went to sleep. I was too damn tired to even think.

I know it wasn't meant to be between the two of us but I always think he'll be the very best friend I've ever had. He knows me well. Maybe that's what I call love. But I know, something good will come...someone better will come. I may be bitter yesterday but I'm feeling better now.

However strong I am, I'm falling for someone. I like him a lot..I do. But let it just be me knowing it. It's hard when you like someone and he doesn't know it but it's for the best and I believe that. I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings just to make myself happy. I've been there and I know how much it hurts. Wish life could be more simpler..but it's not.

2DSD

ku menatap langityang tenang

dan tak 'kan menangisi malam

ku tetap berdiriku melawan hariku

akan berartiku tak 'kan mati

mungkin masa ku telah berlalu

mungkin hatiku tak berbentuk lagi

rasa ini tak kan terobati

tetapi mati takkan mengobati

kumenatap langit yang tenang

dan tak 'kan menangisi malam

tuk tetap berdiriku

melawan hariku akan berartiku tak 'kan mati

That's what I need...look up at the beautiful sky and see the miracle of life God has given me. Thankful for what I have now as the 'Best has yet to come'...

2005-11-21T11:38:00.000+08:00

Life...

I have been pondering on my life lately. It's always the same old story...my love life. I have been wondering when can I finally find the love of my life.. who would love me as who I am, who will accept me and really love not to just be a lover. I missed the times when I can just pick up the phone and call that person and just talk. Not having to think, should I call? Maybe I'm interupting him or even worst playing the waiting game..waiting for him to call me. I miss the understanding of meeting the person you love just to go out and do nothing..just wanting to be with each other..

Currently the guys I'm dating would only call me when they are lonely. When they don't have any activities around them.. They want me just to be a lover rather than a companion. Last week, he called me up. Suddenly, he just said 'I've told you, we're only friends'...after the time spent together..he could just say we are friends??? What's that? It's been a year the 2 of us been going out..that's what I am to him...a friend. I was just shocked..maybe I've been expecting it..but I thought..yes I just thought it was smooth sailing. I'm more than sad now..I'm just pissed off. He just wants me to cure his loneliness..he calls me up not because he misses me..just wanting someone to be with him. Come to think of it, he still have his ex pictures..for what? Yeah stupid me to believe that..

And to top it all, stupid of me again to be fooled the second time with another guy. He's got a girlfriend but having problems. He likes me a lot..or so he said..but at the same time saying the words 'love' and 'missing you' to another girl. It seems that those words are so cheap to him. He can just say it to any girl he likes. A friend of mine asked 'if he does really like you, and he's having problems with his girl, why doesn't he just leave the girlfriend?'. And yes I wonder the same. I thought I could like him..but since the words 'love' is just so easy for him to say it to anyone else..means he didn't really mean it when he said it to me. His words are so cheap. And how good a liar is he? I can't take it anymore. Then when the time comes, suddenly they would just called me up and say 'sorry..I'm getting married and you're not the girl'. What the hell?? Don't they know that it hurts even there's no deep feelings involved? These guys just want me when they are lonely. Initially I go out with them with the same intention but after a while I start do develop feelings..lucky it was not that deep. But I'm just tired of being fooled again and again. Being given false hope.

Wish life could be that easy. Wish I could just make them feel how I feel. I don't want to get hurt again..as Rob Thomas sang "I don't want another lover at my door, Is just another heartache on my list". Currently, I've been playing a particular Indonesian song that actually really said what I really feels towards this part of my life. I only can pray to God to stop all the hurt. My friend told me, in 1 out of 10 guys I meet, 1 would be 'the one'..the question is...do I have to get hurt 10 times to get that happiness? hehe..only God knows

- Cinta -
Menatap jalan yang menjauh
Tentukan arah yg ku mau
Tempatkan aku pada satu
Peristiwa yang membuat hati lara

Di dekat engkau aku tenang
Sendu matamu penuh tanya
Misteri hidup akankah menghilang
Dan bahagia di akhir cerita

Cinta tegarkan hatiku
Tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata
Tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta hati
Bagai raga tak bernyawa

Aku junjung petuamu
Cintai dia yang mencintaiku
Hati yang dulu belayar
Kini telah menepi
Bukankah hidup kita
Akhirnya harus bahagia

Cinta
Biar saja ada
Yang terjadi biar saja terjadi
Bagai manapun hidup
Memang hanya cerita
Cerita tentang meninggalkan dengan ditinggalkan
Cinta.....

This is the song that says it all. 'Love someone who loves you' that is the best quote that I'm holding on to...till then...I have to wait and see...

2005-11-11T09:25:00.000+08:00

I got a shocking news today...the person I was with before is getting married. I was numb, shocked and partly sad. Thought I have forgotten him, always wondered is he married yet, is he happy or miserable. Sometimes I wish he is misreable. Worst of all he's getting married to the very person who was the caused of our separation.

Guess it was not meant to be but me being human I can't help it to think why...

Now my life is not as easy as I thought it will be. My career is ok..no problem so far. But my love life sucks. I'm getting tired with all the games guys play. Currently, the person that I am so closed with just kept quite. No news..nothing as if I'm invisible. Like nothing had happen between the two of us before. I'm dumbstruck. The next guy came..nice and the connection is there but he's got a girl. Said that he's having trouble but can I believe that? I don't think so.

I pray everyday for God to give me strength to face all of this. I can say " I will survive" but
can I really? The question left unanswered...